...

I gave you a chance to be honest.

Leopards never change their spots.

Sweet dreams, baby, 'cause we both know you're not dreaming about her.

And at least I know you won't ever be sleeping with me again.

Lies, lies, lies

You make an ass of me.

Over and over again.

It won't happen again. You won't lie to me anymore. You won't hurt me anymore. My walls are up, I'm safe, I'm safe. How pathetic is it that I have to hold myself at night and tell myself that? "I need to work on me, that's why I'm doing this".

Liar.

You're disgusting. I am completely horrified. You made me into this person, this sneaky, manipulative, ugly person. But in the end, I win. I win because I can look at myself in the mirror and know I'm not you, I'm not a liar, not a cheater, not a horrible excuse for a human being. It would take a whole lot more than therapy to fix you. A lobotomy, perhaps? This is who you are. The only joy I take out of that is the knowledge that you can barely live with yourself. Every day, I hope you wake up, look in the mirror, call your fucking self "Daddy" and then cry. Cry like the bitch you truly, truly are. Sleeping with her. Like you did for me - like you just told me a goddamn week ago you'd do for me - oh wait. You were already doing it with her. Yet ANOTHER slut calling you Daddy - let me promise you something, you life-ruining, soul-sucking son of a bitch, you'll never hear it come out of MY mouth again.

"I love you, I want to be with you, I want to work on me and be with you in the end.."

I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. There are men out there that would KILL to be with a woman like me. Who would do ANYTHING to see me smile. And I keep turning them down, pushing them away, waiting for your filthy ass. Ugh, I am a fool. But this time, that won't get me down. This time, it's just a wicked smile and the knowing that you're going to be alone forever, because you're a piece of shit. You're a liar, and a horrible person, and I cannot wait until the day when you wake up and realize you're lonely because you deserve to be.

I've never said that about anyone else alive. Shit, Caden's dad doesn't deserve to be alone. But you do. You'll be lonely forever, because you truly do not deserve to be happy. I hope you can swallow that pill, baby, because you just lost the best thing that ever happened to you. You think your filthy internet sluts will keep you warm at night? Sure, their fat asses may keep the chill off your own, but inside you're cold as ice, baby, and it ain't ever getting warm again. You think those whores can raise your children? Shit, you need professional help to do that. Between your personal issues and their mother's frustration, those kids are ruined. You're two of the worst parents I've ever had the displeasure of being around. I busted my ass to try and fix those kids. There ain't any fixing that. There ain't any fixing you, 'Daddy'. You're broken.

Thing is, I'm not. And right now I am mad as hell, but I don't hate you. That would take too much energy. You simply don't matter. I'm only mad at myself, for wasting my time. For letting something like you around my son. Thank God he's stopped asking for you.

Do yourself a favor; try and win your ex wife back. She's the only one legally obligated to put up with your disgusting ass for the next fifteen or so years.

Deuces, bitches, I'm all the way the fuck out.

Tropical Paradise

I think Hope, Mercedes and I have decided on a cruise for our ladies' vacation next year. It may be an entire year away, but I cannot think of anything better to look forward to than time in the sun with two women who are like sisters to me. Plus, it's the Caribbean. Nothing can go wrong in the Caribbean. I can forget life for awhile.

Not that I have any idea where my life will be in a year, but that's completely beside the point. I don't know where my life will be next week, let alone next year. I can't keep living in this foggy little bubble, waiting for something to happen. The truth is, he's going to move on, and it's okay. I'd be amazed if he hadn't fucked someone else by now. I wish I was that person, because getting laid certainly sounds like something that might occupy the empty space in my heart for an hour or two.

Another year older...

Today we're celebrating Caden's fourth birthday. His actual birthday is Tuesday, but weekends are easier for obvious reasons. As I watch him clamor around my room, it's hard to believe he was ever a baby. He's so big, so smart, so amazing... but I can remember holding him in my arms like he was as light as a feather, his hand so small it could only close around my finger. I can remember his soft little cries, the way he would smile at the silliest things. It's such a joy to watch a child grow, but when they're your own, it's heartbreaking, as well.

It's hard to think about the last four years without a little bit of sorrow. So much has happened, to us, to him, to me. We just keep losing. You want to give your child a perfect world, and there's nothing I can do to actually give that to him. He struggles every day, and he always will. There's no easy button for him, no quick and fast way to be okay with the world. But, he perseveres. He keeps fighting. He's four, and he fights. He never gives up, he keeps trying. Can't say that word? He'll try until he gets it right, no matter how hard it is. He loves to smile, loves to laugh and play.

I'm envious of his quiet grace. People used to say that he got that from me. I wish I was still that girl, the one who always came out fighting, who never let her gloves drop. Now, I feel defeated and afraid. I sit here in my little room, listening to sad songs and feeling like there's no fight left in me. It's not anyone's fault; I'm the one who's giving up. I'm the one who's hurting and confused. For no reason at all, really. I'm the one giving the power away.

Today, it's time to start taking it back.

~I'm not the one who's lost, with no direction, oh - but you'll never see... you're so busy making maps with my name in all caps; you got the talking down, just not the listening. And who cares if you disagree? You are not me. Who made you king of anything? So you dare tell me who to be? Who died, and made you king of anything?~

Truth and Consequence

I don't know that you'll ever see this; maybe you will, maybe you won't, but I need a place to put all of this mess in my head where no one else can judge me for being a little more human than I'd like to admit to. I feel like the last three months of my life have been a roller coaster I could never really explain, and I don't want to have to, anymore. I'm tired of people looking at me strangely, or thinking less of me, or questioning me, judging me - I'm exhausted. So, whether or not you see it, this is just... how it is. Where I am. Hopefully I'll keep this one updated and I can maybe start to make sense of this mess.

I woke up this morning and it was like something out of a novel. I've always hear, "and then it hit me", but never had one of those moments before. I'm usually very capable of processing and retaining information. But this morning... this morning I got up, I got Caden breakfast, I sat down at my computer to check Facebook and it was like WHAM. Right in my face, everything flooding back, a deluge of emotions I was simply unprepared to deal with. It's a little disconcerting. Up until the last couple of days, I felt very in control of my feelings and reactions. Partially out of a need to, really - it's never worth the drama to get into things about my life with anyone around here. I was glad it was just Cade and I in my tiny little bedroom. He was too obsessed with his Cheerios and Loony Tunes to notice me, and I had a little moment.

It isn't that I'm not able to understand what you're doing. Maybe it's that I understand too much. Maybe it's that in the end, I won't be what you need, because I need a cause to champion, a person to fix. Maybe I'm afraid you'll realize that I was never good enough. I don't know what's holding me back, but right now, I'm not capable of dealing with it, so I have to just... push through. It's all I can do. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and nothing's going to change that. You sent me a message; "I'm giving you space so we don't..."

My first inclination is to get pissed off, but who knows, maybe it's the truth. I told you last night, I don't think I'll ever be able to shoot the shit with you. I don't know that I'll ever be okay with the occasional hug and hello. I don't want to talk about the weather. I don't want to ask you in a lighthearted voice how the boys are, if they're earning their stars, if their mother's being any more civil. I do want to keep ripping the band aids off, and if you're not up to dealing with that, it's probably for the best that we don't talk right now. Not until you're ready, because I can promise you, ten years down the road, I am still going to be dissecting this, trying to figure it out, over analyzing, making sense of it all. I want you to tell me that you love me. I want you to hold me and make this better. I want you to invent a time machine, and go back, and fix shit, because holy shit, am I tired of being punished because of your mistakes.

It takes two to succeed or fail at a relationship. I do not absolve myself of blame. But I didn't cause this. I didn't cause you to do what you did. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to believe that. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look in another mirror and not want to scream and hate myself and beg whatever powers may be to change me, to make me better, to make me worth wanting. You say you want me, but it's easy for you to give me up, over and over. You say at the end of this, you want to fix us. How am I supposed to move on from a "dot dot dot"? There's no period at the end of our relationship, no closure. There is a man who tells me he loves me, who has never been faithful to me, who wants me to believe that for the next however long, he's doing nothing but working on him so he can have me back.

And then he tells me not to wait. You tell me not to wait. I could strangle you. If there's a window cracked, nevermind a door open, where would I go? How could I go? How will I ever get over this, get over you, give up on a dream that has lived in my heart for as long as I knew what a heart was for?

I hate and love you harder than anything I've ever known. Time can't heal all wounds. Only you can make it better... but you can't do that right now, so here I am, crying at one in the morning, exhausted because I can't sleep anymore, with nothing. My son's birthday party is tomorrow, and none of his gifts are from me. I am no one. Whether or not I allowed myself to be this, for things to come to this, it hurts to my soul, to my core. I told you I needed you. I've never needed you more than I need you right now, in this minute.

But you don't want to be here.

How do I get over that?