Another year older...

Today we're celebrating Caden's fourth birthday. His actual birthday is Tuesday, but weekends are easier for obvious reasons. As I watch him clamor around my room, it's hard to believe he was ever a baby. He's so big, so smart, so amazing... but I can remember holding him in my arms like he was as light as a feather, his hand so small it could only close around my finger. I can remember his soft little cries, the way he would smile at the silliest things. It's such a joy to watch a child grow, but when they're your own, it's heartbreaking, as well.

It's hard to think about the last four years without a little bit of sorrow. So much has happened, to us, to him, to me. We just keep losing. You want to give your child a perfect world, and there's nothing I can do to actually give that to him. He struggles every day, and he always will. There's no easy button for him, no quick and fast way to be okay with the world. But, he perseveres. He keeps fighting. He's four, and he fights. He never gives up, he keeps trying. Can't say that word? He'll try until he gets it right, no matter how hard it is. He loves to smile, loves to laugh and play.

I'm envious of his quiet grace. People used to say that he got that from me. I wish I was still that girl, the one who always came out fighting, who never let her gloves drop. Now, I feel defeated and afraid. I sit here in my little room, listening to sad songs and feeling like there's no fight left in me. It's not anyone's fault; I'm the one who's giving up. I'm the one who's hurting and confused. For no reason at all, really. I'm the one giving the power away.

Today, it's time to start taking it back.

~I'm not the one who's lost, with no direction, oh - but you'll never see... you're so busy making maps with my name in all caps; you got the talking down, just not the listening. And who cares if you disagree? You are not me. Who made you king of anything? So you dare tell me who to be? Who died, and made you king of anything?~